The End of The Line

My maternal Grandfather was killed by a drunk driver before I was born. Though I have nothing but respect and admiration for the man, he's never filled the role of "grandpa" in my life. That role was filled by my grandmother's companion of 21 years, Jim Kerr. For as long as I can remember, Birthday and Christmas cards arrived signed "Gram and Jim" and when we'd visit every couple of summers he'd take us out for breakfast, and proudly introduce us to anybody who would listen as "his grandkids."

Jim was as backwoods as they come. He probably smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He said aint and y'all and often left the last letter off of the end of his words. He was a career truck driver, and loved few things more then fishin'. Jim was nothing like the rest of my family. Growing up we had so few things in common, it was hard for me to bond with him. What I wasn't able to appreciate as a child but certainly do now, is that for 21 years Jim sincerely loved and took care of my Grandmother. He doted on her, doing whatever he could to make her happy. He wasn't what I was used to being around but he was a wonderful man.

Now, sadly, the cigarettes and hazardous chemicals he was exposed to in his truck have caught up with him. In November he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Earlier this month his care was turned over to hospice. Their nurses didn't think he'd last through this past weekend. He's still hanging on though. Fighting to see the completion of the garden he promised my grandmother they'd have this spring. It's a work in progress, but not too far from being done. He's in and out of consciousness, bed ridden, and has no vision but keeps telling my Mom and Grandmother "it's going to be so beautiful." If heaven is anything like I think and hope it is, his will be a garden, with a windmill at the entrance.

Happy Third Birthday

Three years ago this morning I first held my newborn baby girl. Looking down at the baby in my arms I remember being filled with pride and wonder. I counted her fingers and toes, stroked her cheeks, and couldn't believe I had created something so perfect. Looking at Gracie this morning, as she fell into my arms for a big birthday hug, I felt those same things again. Though no longer a baby, her bright smile and sincere embrace left my heart filled with pride and my mind wondering how I had created something so perfect. To me, it doesn't feel like three years has gone by, but when I look at the sweet, independent little girl Gracie has become I can't believe the change and growth that has taken place within her in that short span of time. From a baby, to my friend I can't believe how fast my little girl has grown.

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Closure

Gracyn and I have returned from Colorado. A better then 24 hour delay aside, we had a nice trip. Gracie got to see her Dad, and I got to visit with my friend Elyse, do some shopping and see how much her girls had grown. All nice things!

This visit I experienced something I hadn't before though, closure.
John and I have improved our relationship tremendously in two years time. We both realize we've made mistakes, and by this point we've both owned up to and apologized for them. Time and time again I've said all is forgiven and I'm over the heart ache, but now, in addition to that I see what it's all been for.

Looking at Gracie I see a beautiful and brilliant little girl. I see a sweet child who I know will grow into a capable adult, one who without question will leave a positive mark upon this world. Above all, I see the best of John and I. I see that our personalities and appearances blended to make her and she is the most perfect thing that I have ever seen. While I love Brian with all my heart I don't regret a moment of what John and I ever went through because for it we have a beautiful little girl. He and I were never meant to be anything, Gracyn however was meant to be and change everything.

It's a good feeling to know he now sees things this way too. What he thought would totally turn our worlds upside down, instead totally changed mine around and I could never feel anything but gratitude towards him for that. I like the place in things we're at, and the understanding of each other we have grown to have.

Welcome Scout!

I come from what some would consider to be a "big family." All together there were six of us. Mom and Dad, then us four kids. My little sisters are three and five years younger then I, and my brother and I are are 20 months apart. Though my relationshps with each of them are different in many ways, I consider each of my siblings to be one of my best friends. Though the age gap between my brother, Daniel and youngest sister, Angeleah is nearly seven years it's really never been an issue. Most likely because there has always been two siblings in between to mediate. Growing up my brother and I were inseperable, my middle sister, Catlin followed us, and Angeleah followed her. This resulted in all of us hanging out together, and for the most part getting along. I must have a thousand fond memories of our childhoods together. We were bonded. We did everything together. Though sometimes it was frustrating to realize there was always a sibling watching what you were doing, it was an amazing feeling to know that when push came to shove there'd without a doubt be one standing there behind you. When it comes to Gracie I've always said I have no regrets. This may be an exception. I was young when I had her, and not in a place to have another. I took care of us fine, but I knew with finances and even stress levels I couldn't handle more. Finally, three years later, I am and I hope it's not too late to give her one of the best thing I ever had.

My Gracie Girl

Three years ago I nursed you to sleep. I tucked you into bed beside me. Then, you were my baby.

Two years ago I sang “Gracie” as I rocked you to sleep in my arms. I laid you down in your crib and covered you. I checked back to make sure you were snug and warm. Then, you were my toddler.

Today, with only a few stories and a kiss you climbed into bed on your own. Now you’re my little girl.

After you were fast asleep I covered you up and placed Tang, your beloved stuffed tiger, in your arms. This is because in my heart you’ll always be my baby.

Winter Days

We’ve had a couple snow days this week. Cabin fever kicks in fast when living in a small apartment which makes staying in feel nearly impossible. Still, the opportunity to “take it easy” on account of the weather has been quite nice! We’ve done a lot of cooking and baking. Gracie loves helping out in the kitchen so it’s an excellent way to occupy her. Brian helped her to bake and decorate pink cupcakes one afternoon which I think was the high light of her entire week! She described them using the word “delectable.” Often I wonder where my sweet baby girl has gone and what has shaped the personality of the precious little girl I now see in her place. We’ve had a couple of snow ball fights and made a trip to the golf course to go sledding this week too. Winter is far from my favorite season but this one certainly hasn’t been without its highpoints! Still, I’m ready for summer!